Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Not Defined by Brokenness, Redefined by Grace

Two o'clock in the morning and I wake up with a tug at my heart. A question was raised in my spirit several nights ago and I did't know why. It has rattled me ever since, "What would it take to convince you to love Jesus?" I am baffled by this question. But then, I also had a single phrase repeating over and over in my head... "Write You".

I am wondering...Is the Holy Spirit asking me, "What would it take to convice "me" to love Jesus?" So, I want to turn this around and explain to you... What DID IT take to convince me to completely change my heart and fall head over hills in love with Jesus? Maybe there is someone who is experiencing the same problems I did, so let me share a little of my story...

In the blog post, "I am a COMPLETE MESS", I told you guys a little about how I did not walk with Christ my whole life. At 9 years old, you hear about Jesus and may truly believe that Jesus died on the cross for your sins, but to really LOVE Jesus is a little deeper understanding than I think a 9 year old can comprehend.

About 3-4 years ago I really started to pursue Jesus. But, part of me also felt there was a wall keeping me from encountering all that He wanted to give me. I kept hearing a voice in my head, "You have unreconciled secrets." I tried ignoring it thinking maybe it would pass, but it never did. God was trying to tell me, "In order to get closer to me, you need to reconcile your secrets." -- and I specifically heard.. "before it's too late."

For many years I kept the secrets to myself and it did nothing more than to compound my brokenness and inability to fully connect with Jesus. In my mind, I figured that if I just kept my secrets to myself then what people didn't know wouldn't hurt me...or them. But, let me tell you, it does hurt. It took me a decade to realize that Satan was using my sin to rob me of the ability to forgive myself and others. Satan wanted me to remember my pain, guilt, regret, and brokenness so that I would not be obedient to God's prompting and right my wrongs. Satan knew that my obedience to God in reconciling my sin would reveal a greater love of Jesus than I could have EVER known on my own.

Every time I wrestled with God and refused to reconcile my sins and brokenness, I got more bitter and resentful toward myself and others. I was under spiritual attack. You see, I believed that if I confessed my sins to the one I sinned against, there would be such horrible consequences that I wasn't sure I would have been able to handle it. I was afraid I would lose my whole world as I knew it.

Many people believe they can fix their own brokeness. They believe in their head that getting whatever they need for a "quick fix", or simply ignoring it, will make them happy. But what they fail to realize is that it will only last for a short time. Thus, causing that sin and brokenness to continue to raise its ugly head. I was never able to fully let go without God's help. He was the only way to cure my brokenness and mend my heart.

I read something recently about how humans have a tendency to try to solve their own problems which often further complicates them. "To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do - to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst - is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still." (Buechner)

We try to fix ourselves, but there are problems beyond our ability to solve, hurts that we can't heal, and memories we can't forget. For me it was regret and the pain that came with my own guilt and shame.

Jesus did not come to save the saints, He came to save the sinners. We are all broken sinners but Jesus can hold you together. It may sound like a cliche, but it is true. You may have faced many difficulties, brokenness, and addictions, "but they don't have to define you if you simply let them refine you." (Batterson)

I learned, through my obedience in reconciling my sin, it was the only way to heal my brokenness. God used my obedience as a way to "reconstruct" my mind, heart, and soul. He, after all, created me in the first place and so HE was the only medicine that would work to heal the brokenness I lived with for so long.

He can mend your heart too and set you free from the slavery of your sins. Jesus is our bridge to a Holy God if only we would put our complete trust and faith in Him. If you feel a conviction to reconcile a past sin, don't wait. You may not get another chance. You will continue to be a slave to that sin until you let it go, get it reconciled, and give it to God.

I believe that one day, God is going to use my story and redefine who I was in my sin. I have learned first hand that God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called. I was a broken sinner until I gave all of my heart to Jesus and through HIS insurmountable GRACE, He set me free. All it took was for me to reconcile my sin. Even though it was the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do, I received so much grace. THAT is why Jesus has my whole heart. I gave my ENTIRE heart to Him. ALL of it, because of the GRACE He gave me even though I DID NOT deserve it.

Looking at where I came from....now being asked this question...."What would it take to convince you to love Jesus?" It was experiencing the unbelievable, underserved GRACE that only Jesus can give.

Because I am His daughter, "God sent the Spirit of this Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, Abba Father. So, you are no longer a slave (to fear, doubt, shame, regret, pain, brokenness of sin) but God's child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir." Galatians 4:6-7

GRACE is what convinced me to give my whole heart to Jesus, and now I AM NO LONGER A SLAVE! - Amanda

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