Wednesday, November 4, 2015

I am a COMPLETE MESS!

"You seem like you have it all together.... You write a blog about Jesus. You sing with the praise and worship band at church. You even tweet scripture."

I have actually had someone say one of those things to me, thinking I had it all together. Although, I was somewhat flattered they thought that, I am here to tell you..... I am FAR from having it all together! I am a COMPLETE MESS! (as our pastor emphasized a few Sunday's ago.... I am JACKED UP! - thanks @b_bachtel)


Redeemed by Grace


I am just as broken a sinner as everyone else. In fact, I have done things, said things, thought things that would make you wonder how I could even have the nerve to write about Jesus, much less stand in front of the church and worship. Unfortunately, it has taken me a long time to figure out that without Jesus, I would not be able to stand before a perfect God the day I die.

Walking down the center aisle in a small town local church, during a crowded revival night, would probably intimidate many a 9 year old. But, I was determined to tell my pastor; I accepted Jesus! My mother walked me through the sinner's prayer the night before. I actually remember many details of that night as well as being baptized at my church soon after the revival. It's funny to me; I can't remember much of anything about my childhood, but I remember praying to Jesus and being baptized at 9 years old. Unfortunately, I can't say that I walked closely with Jesus my whole life beyond that point.

Let's just say, growing up, I was not the perfect child. It took nearly 25 years after accepting Christ for me to really begin maturing in my faith. Why is that? Some might question my faith during that time, "Did you actually have Christ in your heart?" I believe I did. Since that time, I have always believed in Jesus and believed he died on the cross for my sins and that He was resurrected from the grave. But, I didn't live my life like I believed. I knew right from wrong. I knew the things I was doing was wrong and was a sin.

So why wasn't I living what I believed? That is exactly the question that hit me about 5 years ago. My sins had begun to effect many aspects of my life. I nearly destroyed my marriage. I lost friends and I drank more alcohol that I would like to admit.

I began to see that the chaos in my life was a direct reflection of what was in my heart... or should I say, what wasn't in my heart. I was not experiencing the complete joy of Christ in my life because I wan't making Christ the center of my life. I wasn't giving Him complete access to my heart. I learned, along the way, if I really wanted to find peace, joy, and contentment in life, it was only going to come from the one who created those attributes in the first place.

I'll never forget the moment it hit me. I was reading in the book of Isaiah, chapters 52 and 53, and it was literally like a shove to the gut. As I read I understood that...

He was marred beyond human likeness. He was despised and rejected; suffering and familiar with pain. He bore the wrath of God and was pierced for MY transgressions. His punishment brought ME peace and by His wounds I was healed.

And through all of that... He didn't make a sound. He didn't try to justify Himself. He didn't beg God to release Him from the burden of carrying out the sacrifice He was making on MY behalf. 
"He bore the sins of MANY, and made intercession for the transgressors." Isaiah 53:12
He went through all of that for ME. For the sins I committed yesterday, today, and tomorrow. ALL of them. How could I possibly go on living like I was knowing that Jesus loved me so much to die on the cross for ME? He gave His life so that I would be saved from God's wrath...God's judgement. WOW! WOW! WOW!

I wanted so badly to tell you all of this because my heart is literally aching for people to feel the love and grace of Jesus that I do right now.  I want you to know that no matter what you have done, what you are doing now, or what you will do in the future, Jesus loved you so much that He gave His life.. FOR YOU!

I am desperate to now live a life worthy of that love. I want to serve Jesus, to love others, and to shine a light for Christ so that others can know the ENORMOUS amount of AMAZING grace and love He has for every broken, messed up, and jacked up sinner.

Everyone like me. -Amanda




3 comments :

  1. Wow. Thanks for being so open and real about how you feel about God. Many people who have been attending church for years still don't fully comprehend what all the Lord has done for us. May your testimony draw many closer to the Lord.

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    1. Thank you! My heart is for everyone who has been just "doing church" to know it's about so much more than that. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. He loves us so much and wants to live a life abundant in His joy and peace through His unfailing grace, and unwavering mercy.

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  2. Wow and yes! this is what my husband and I talk about a lot. What does it look like to be a new creation in Christ. What he did on the cross did count once and for all and if we truly beleive this we are not bound to our sins.

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